{ two foxes }

038.

As I was walking home from work just now, listening to "Moonlight Serenade" by Glenn Miller on my ipod, it occured to me that I haven't done a list of things I'm enjoying this month. So here goes:

I like that I was introduced to a wide variety of music from a very young age. Jazz, big band, bossa nova, blues, early rock, folk, country, bluegrass, opera, classical, French pop. I am the proud owner of my late Grandfather's epic collection of jazz & big band records. I like hauling out the record player, putting on some Astrud Gilberto, closing my eyes and pretending I'm in Brazil - swinging lazily in a hammock, the smell of fruit and flowers all around me. I like walking home from work on very clear nights and seeing the cold stars above. I like the refreshing burn of rosy cheeks. I like sunny days when the sun is so bright and the snow sparkles. I like turning up the fireplace and huddling infront of it with a good book and a cat. I like coming home to find that Finn has made me dinner and even cleaned up. I like watching amazing movie adaptations of classic novels on Masterpiece Theatre on Sunday nights. Last week was the conclusion of Tess of the d'Urbervilles and this week is a new version of Wuthering Heights that I haven't seen yet. I like putting on black flats, black leggings and a black top and flouncing around my apartment pretending I am Audrey Hepburn. I like putting Funny Face on in the background while I clean. I like snuggling into clean sheets after a very long day and falling asleep immediately.

It's nice to remind myself of these things once a month, at the very minimum. Especially lately when I feel sort of crappy. Right now every muscle in my body feels sore as I have been standing for the last seven hours. So I think it'll be a quick supper of chicken and vegetables that my darling has prepared for me, a very hot shower to soothe my aches, and then off to bedfordshire. If I'm still awake at 11, we'll watch Law & Order together, which is my absolute favourite way to end the day. And I'm glad I have tomorrow off ;)

037.

The very first type of photography I was interested in was Polaroid. In high school, while my arty friends were drawing and painting, writing and performing in school plays, I knew I had some creativity in me but I didn't know how to yank it out. Then in my earlier twenties I discovered Polaroid wasn't just for taking quick pictures of your friends at parties, it could be art. I was soon spending weekends at thrift stores and garage sales, amassing vintage Polaroid cameras. I had all kinds of cool gadgets to go along with my cameras. Then Polaroid stopped making film. By 2007 it was impossible to find it locally. I had to make the long drive all the way to Toronto to find some. And to buy it online was ridiculously expensive. So I cried over my loss, packed away my cameras, and switched to digital.

And then this morning I found this. And then I read this. I am close to actually jumping for joy. I have learned to love digital, but it will never compare to my beloved Polaroid!

036.

Today was: me, standing in a line of about ten people at the drugstore. Blowing bubbles with my gum. A loud snap and then a bubble has popped and I have gum stuck to the end of my nose. A man of about 50 years old standing infront of me turns around to see me, gum on my nose and a great big grin on my face. Man says, "I can blow a bubble the size of my head." I say, "Oh yeah? Let's see!" and offer him some Bubbalicious gum. Man accepts, stuffs two pieces of gum in his mouth and proceeds to blow the biggest gum bubble I've ever seen. It was great.

Not so great, as suspected where there is one mouse, there are many following. I opened the cupboard to feed the cats this morning and what was looking at me with beady eyes? A deer mouse. In my cupboard. Even though they are sort of cute looking with their little brown bodies and white bellies, they are rodents nonetheless and therefore must vacate the premises immediately. Thankfully Finn was home to catch it and put it back outside before one of the cats got ahold of it. But there are more, since that is how mice work. I didn't hear a single mouse in this house last year. We don't even have spiders, let alone rodents. But they've found a way in. Horrible little creatures.

035.

The week has gotten much better now that I've taken care of a few things.

First of all, I had to quit my brand spanking new job at Edible Arrangements. They switched up the hours they wanted me to work and were completely inflexible about it. The owners seemed fairly normal when I first met them, but turned out to be something close to medieval slave drivers. I can't even get in to the kind of nonsense they were asking us to do, but I think it is fair to say that if they continue to run their business in the same manner they are running it now, the labour board will be filing many a complaint about them. Which really sucks, to put it bluntly, because I was excited about that job. But they are too hard to work for.

The second thing is I went to see my doctor about getting on some antidepressants. I have suffered from seasonal depression in the past, and I also have a pretty severe anxiety disorder. Normally I can control the anxiety with proper diet, excersise and some cognitive behavioural therapy. CBT is basically catching anxious thoughts and working to see that they are not rational/real. And when the anxiety is under control, the depression stays at bay. But for the past two months or so I just haven't been feeling like myself. I noticed that I want to do nothing but sleep, eat carbs and stay home. Finn commented a few times right after Christmas that my spark isn't quite as bright as normal. Anyway, long story short I've decided that while I prefer to treat any mental health issue that comes my way with a more holistic approach, sometimes you need to bring in the big guns to help out. Antidepressants usually give me just enough of a boost that I actually feel like eating properly and getting out of the house.

So I feel better today. It's been a very stressful summer/fall since I wasn't working and went on about 3 million interviews with no offers. I was on employment insurance which paid about 55% of what I made every two weeks at my old job. That's a pretty big cut. Finn and I both have some savings and inheritance money and were desperately trying not to dip in to any of it because that's what we will be using as a downpayment on a house once we get married. So it was a lean summer and fall, which contributed to my overall stress level and I think the whole thing resulted in the depression I feel now. I went for a few winters without feeling it, at least not bad enough to need meds, but this year I just can't cope on my own. And since the snow doesn't generally melt here until March/April, it would be a long winter to keep feeling the way I feel now.

Anyway, my other job at the framing place is going really well and even though it's a little confusing (pricing out custom framing can be tricky!) practice makes perfect and I'm sure that in a few months I will have it all down pat. My boss has told me several times that she is pleased with the amount of knowledge I am able to retain and put to use, so tomorrow I am working my first shift all by myself. It's only from 2:30-6, but that is enough time for now. I'll be working short shifts generally, Mon, Wed and alternating Thurs or Fri from 6-9, and then alternating weekends, Sat 2:30-6 and Sun 12-5. So I'll be taking hoem about $400 a month after taxes. I went to an interview on Wednesday at this tax place, whch would only last until April, but I might be able to get full time hours out of that. So at least it would carry us through for a few months, since my employment insurance ends in three weeks. (YIKES!) Then Finn will start working proper full time hours in May when the school term ends, so even if I only worked two part time jobs in the summer, we would be bringing in more than enough to cover costs and put some more away for savings.

Ugh. I hate money worries. I'll be so glad when Finn is done school and starts really working. We both know that we want to have a baby within the first two years of being married, and that I would stay home, assuming we could afford it. Which, if all goes according to plan and Finn continues to get top marks and stays employed with the vet he's with now - we should be able to stick to the plan. The vet he's interning/working for has told him that he would bring Finn on as a partner. Then they would split up the work and Finn would focus on horses while the vet focused on other livestock. And when this vet retires in another five years, the practice would be transferred to Finn. There are no children to pass it along to, and Finn nad the vet have formed quite a bond - so it would be incredibly good if this all happens. That way Finn gets his own practice like he wants, but it's already established in the community.

So many plans, so much work to still be done before we get there. All I can say is thank God my parents have offered to pay for the vast majority of our wedding! It's not going to be a huge elaborate thing anyway, but it's a good feeling to know that we will be able to have a pretty wedding and still be able to keep the money we have saved for a downpayment.

I've just realized I've really ranted on here, lol. For some reason I guess I had a lot to say tonight!

034.

I'm on overload this week.
I've typed a whole long post about everything,
then got to the end and deleted it.
I don't know why, maybe I just needed to dump it out on the screen
and then forget about it.
It's all work-related crap
which no one wants to hear about anyway.

I really just want Finn to come home soon,
because he gives the best bear hugs in the world.
He also likes watching Law & Order reruns with me
and I have a craving for sitting on the couch under a pile of blankets,
with his hand in my hair.
(scalp massages are my heaven)

It's been very cold and snowy here
With the windchill making it feel like -30 (c) at one point today.
I'm glad I have the day off tomorrow, I think I might take a lazy day
and do nothing but sit and read infront of the fire.

033.

Today was an interesting mix of
anxiety and anticipation.
I think once I get settled in to my new job, I will like it.
It was a lot of information to take in today,
but I have three more training shifts before I fly solo.
(Whew!)

Tonight we are taking it easy,
watching movies and eating pizza.
(I really need to stop eating so much crap!)
Finn is finally off on-call shifts so
We are both looking forward to a decent night sleep
without his cell ringing at 3am.

Tomorrow I have a quick meeting at 11am at my other new job
to sign forms and drop off a void cheque,
then my friend Tess and I are going have lunch and
talk about wedding plans.
She got engaged on New Years to the sweetest guy,
I am so happy for her!
We might go see that new movie Bride Wars, too
as a little reminder of how not to be.
We have both decided on fall weddings, but luckily
on different days and in different locations
so there won't be any Ann Hathaway-Kate Hudson fighting going on ;)

032.

Well, I must say, I am quite pleased with myself! Today has been an excellent day - and it's only 3 o'clock! First thing this morning one of my Etsy photos made it to the front page. I got several convos from wonderful people telling me how much they liked my work. The print didn't sell, but exposure is always a good thing! Then at lunch I went down to the mall to spend some gift cards I got for Christmas and found a whole whack of books I'd been pining after on sale for 50% off at Coles. So my gift card went twice as far. I also found some really pretty Martha Stewart craft stuff on sale, so I stocked up on labels and inks and stamps. I don't know what I'll do with any of it, but I'm sure it will all come in handy sooner or later. Anyway, as I was leaving I passed an art/framing store where I had dropped off a resume before Christmas. I didn't hear back from them, but I decided to pop in and see if they were still hiring. I got hired on the spot! The owner hadn't even seen my resume (another reason why they are letting go of the girl I am replacing) but he said my obvious enthusiasm for the job and the fact that I was creative in my hobbies was reason enough for him to hire me. It's only part time, but between that and the job I start next week at Edible Arrangements, I should make just enough to cover bills once my unemployment benefits end.

So, I have had an excellent day. I have been saying since I got let go from my old job at a cheque cashing store (oh, the horror of working there!) that I would kill for a job that would let me be creative. Well, now I have two! I'll be arranging baskets at Edible Arrangements and completely immersed in art at the framing shop! This is going to be my year, I can feel it ;)

031.

My parents buy old ramshackle victorian farmhouses and restore them to their former glory. They also breed Paso Fino horses. So when I was a child I always lived in houses that were in various states of decay. We never stayed long in a house that had been put back to rights, my parents were always looking for the next old dame to fix up. And because of the horses, I spent a great deal of time in barns. Mucking stalls, climbing on hay bales. So you would think, after having that kind of childhood, that I would not be adverse to mice.

Well, you would be wrong.
THERE IS A MOUSE IN MY HOUSE AND I'M FREAKING OUT!

I can hear it scurrying along the ceiling panels and honestly, if it falls through (because we are in the basement and they are those old thin ceiling panels) I will put a tent out in the snow and sleep outside. I cannot handle rodents falling through the celing.

Finn thinks this is all very funny, he's in the bedroom watching TV and laughing every time I screech that I can hear it scratching out my name in morse code. Apparently for a country girl, I ought to be ok with infestation. But I know from growing up in houses where we would move in and my Dad would take our jack russell (originally bred for rat killing) and stand in the dirt floor basements killing rats, that where there is one mouse, there are 50 of it's babies following behind it.

I am so grossed out right now.

030.

I have nothing very interesting to say this week. I'm still sick, spending most of my time laying on the couch like a dead fish. Finn has it too, and he's taken over the bed. His poor mother started complaining of a sore throat just before they left for the airport and apparently she coughed the whole flight home. Poor thing. It's been over a week now that I've been sick and even though I'm drinking lots of hot water with lemon, sleeping for hours on end and taking the occasional Tylenol sinus, I feel like I'm getting worse. There's so much pressure in my sinuses that even my teeth hurt. Bleh.

I hope everyone else is enjoying the first week of the New Year. It seems whatever cold I caught is going around the entire province as I keep hearing on the news that walk in clinics and emerg rooms are full of people thinking they have bronchitis. Yuck!

029.

Welcome, 2009.

When I think back on 2008 I have mixed emotions. I lost my job and have had a terrible time finding a new one. I quit university again. I spent most of the year flat out broke. I racked up debt. I had a huge fight with a friend and still have no contact with her.

But on the other hand, Finn moved in with me. I ran a 12 week workshop on panic and anxiety where I stood for two hours once a week in front of 30 people and taught them how not to give up on themselves. (Who ever thought I'd be able to do that? Certainly not me, until I did it!) I expanded my view on how the universe works through yoga and reading. I spent the summer honing my creativity. I got engaged.

So 2008 had a lot of really low moments, but it had some highs as well. I have a great aunt Lily who always reads our tea leaves for the new year and she has been saying since the time I was little that odd years turn out better than even. For the most part (in my life, anyway) she's been right. So my resolutions for 2009 are pretty simple -
- find something to laugh about every day
- compliment people (even strangers) freely
- do the best I can every day
- take a photography class
and my last resolution is to be sure not to become a bridezilla. :D